Title: The Choice – Part 12a
Author: Xanfan
Rating: Mature
Pairing: various, including M/M Slash
Summary: Response to challenge found here http://beyondcanon.brain-insane.com/challenges.php?chalid=38. The Scoobies discover that Buffy’s resurrection has allowed the First to gain a foothold in this world. Xander is told that the balance must be restored, and the only way to do that is for a Slayer to die. Who does he choose? Buffy or Faith?
Spoilers: Up to season 7 of Buffy and 4 of Angel. Cordy never comes back from being a higher being, so, no beast master.
Warnings: SLASH, CHARACTER DEATH
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
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Previously:
Giles pulled off his glasses and used his handkerchief to wipe away the tears that clung to the lenses. He did nothing about the tears falling down his cheeks, he just let them fall. It was if wiping them away would somehow dishonor the young man they fell for.
A half hour and a stiff drink later, Giles finally worked up the courage to pick up the phone. Now he just had to find the will to dial.
*****
Willow sat on the floor of Giles’ bathroom, her back against the door, knees pulled to her chest. In her hand, she grasped the envelope Giles had handed to her after destroying her world.
Xander was gone.
She wanted to scream in denial, insist that Giles was wrong, that Wesley had lied. But she couldn’t; the minute Giles had told her, she had known it was true. When the Watcher had explained the hows and the whys, it was so typical Xander that she couldn’t deny it.
With shaking hands she carefully opened the envelope and pulled out the letter Xander had written her.
My Willow,
Don’t hate me. I may be dead by the time you read this, but I’m pretty sure it would kill me again if you hated me right now.
I love you. From day one and broken yellow crayons and tears to black eyed and bent on destroying the earth to now, I loved you and never stopped, not once. You’ll always be my Willow. Nothing you or I could do would ever change that.
I love all my girls, but it all started with you. Loving you allowed me to know how to love them. You raised me up right, I have to say.
And Faith is one of my girls, you have to know that. You also have to know that I couldn’t do anything else but what I did.
I’m not sorry for what I did. It was the right choice, I know it.
But, I am sorry for not telling you about loving Angel.
******
“What!?!” Willow screeched inside her head, her hands tightening on the letter, her last link to Xander.
******
Geez, calm down would you? Just let me explain.
We’re in love, have been for awhile now. I told you about Cordy, right? I know you didn’t really believe me and snorted when I said she was a higher being now, but I was telling the truth. And don’t think I didn’t get an earful about that snort of yours either. She ranted for hours.
Anyway, she kind of had me help save Angel and…I’ll spare you the details, but he and I have been together for months.
I wanted to tell you. I almost told you so many times, wanted to spill all the goodies and gush and everything. But I couldn’t because of the timing.
Buffy’d just begun dealing with being alive again and you were in England with Giles when it started. Buffster had so much on her plate, and I just couldn’t add to that by telling her I was doing her ex. And he didn’t want to have to explain that his soul was permanent and that he didn’t come running back to her as soon as he found out because we really didn’t think she was up for that, yet.
I didn’t want to put you in the position of having to choose sides.
And I didn’t want to hurt you. Tara’s death was still so fresh. I didn’t want to compound the pain of losing the love of your life by telling you I’d just found the love of mine.
And he is. I loved Cordy and I loved Anya, but this…this is something more, something beyond what I’d ever believed I was capable of feeling. And he loves me just as much.
We fit, Willow. It seems like it wouldn’t make sense, like we wouldn’t make sense, but we do. Leaving him like this hurts so much. I can only imagine what he’s going through right now. But I had to do this to make things right again.
Moving on…
This is not your fault! We all participated in bringing her back. I could have said no, I could have convinced you not to, but I didn’t, because I wanted her back just as badly as you did. There are times when we can’t point fingers, just do what needs to be done to fix things, this is one of those times.
Faith is innocent in this, maybe not of other things, but in this, she had no choice. I know I didn’t give her an option, I just did it. And she just had to watch one of her only friends die in front of her with her face on. If I could have avoided that, I would have, but there was no other way.
I’m not going to assume that my death will be what Tara’s was to you, but if you feel an inkling of temptation to end the world or something, just remember, I love you. Now look in the envelope…go on, do it.
******
Willow picked up the envelope from where she had discarded it and looked inside, letting out a surprised sob. She tipped the envelope upside down over her other palm and caught the small piece of yellow crayon in her palm. Willow wrapped her fingers around her new treasure and went back to reading her letter.
******
When I was going through my things, I found my memento box that you made for me in the first grade. This was the first thing I’d ever put in the box. Yes, this is a piece of the original yellow crayon! I couldn’t believe it had survived all these years, but I guess some things are eternal.
Just like you and me, huh?
Giles and Buffy and Dawn and you and yes, Spike, have to pull together and act like the family that you are (Not like my family or your family, but like a real one, like a Joyce Summers’ family). You need them and they need you.
Dawn may be a ‘normal’ girl, but she’s…intuitive. Is that the right word? She knows things, about people, knows the truth. Make sure she feels like an essential part of the group.
Spike too. He needs to be needed. And make sure Buffy keeps her head on straight about him and her mitts off him. I don’t think she can really love him and he isn’t in any state of mind to be just an “orgasm friend”. I’m not saying she’d hurt him deliberately, but he might not be able to help himself, especially not against her, so he needs someone on his side, someone to stand up for him when he can’t stand up for himself.
Giles needs to be needed too. You still have a lot you can learn from him and he from you.
Buffy is The Slayer again, the one girl in all the world. With Faith no longer in her body, she’s not the Slayer anymore. So Buffy might need help re-adjusting. But Faith still knows what it’s like to be a Slayer, so, eventually, she might be a good resource for support.
I think you guys should visit L.A., visit Angel’s crew. They have become really good friends to me over the past few months and I want you to know them like I did. I want you guys to be close, to have each other’s backs and feel comfortable calling on each other for help. But that’s just my opinion.
I love you, Wills. Like I said, you were the first of my girls and (don’t tell Cordy or Dawn or Anya or anybody) you’ll always be my best girl.
Take care of yourself and remember the Willow is pretty amazing in and of herself and she doesn’t need to be Witchy-Willow or Tech-Willow for her to be special.
Love always,
Xander
******
Willow carefully refolded the letter and placed it back in its envelope. She then pulled the locket Xander had given her that held a picture of Tara out from under her shirt and opened it, carefully placing the small piece of yellow crayon that would forever symbolize her and Xander inside and closing the locket tight. Willow picked up her letter and stood. She quickly crossed to the sink and splashed some cold water on her face, getting ready to face the others.
Xander had said they needed her, so damn right she was going to be there for them and let them be there for her.
She nodded firmly at her reflection in the mirror and then went to face the others.